


Bajorans and Ladders

by irritatedcat



Series: Yamok Sauce and Fine Kanar [2]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: And Now For Something Completely Different, Canon Relationships, Frasier crossover, Garak is a lonely lizard, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Julian is not helping, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-24
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2019-02-06 09:45:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12814881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irritatedcat/pseuds/irritatedcat
Summary: A customer confides to Garak he's been stealing things he doesn't even want just for the thrill of getting away with it. Garak realizes his life is in a bit of a rut and soon finds himself with light fingers and a very serious conundrum.





	Bajorans and Ladders

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Episode 17 of Season 11 of Frasier ("Coots and Ladders") remastered on Deep Space Nine and now featuring our favorite boys. Please don't take this seriously, although there's a chance I'll keep the series going. I really diverged from the original plot at the end for this one. I hope it gives you feels!
> 
> Check part 1 of the series for credit to the initial inspiration of the series.

Garak stood in the center of his quarters, wracked with nerves he was unaccustomed to having. Were he human he'd have been pacing to and fro and biting his nails. Fortunately his Cardassian constitution didn't betray the emotions he was feeling. His door chimed and relief flooded through the tailor as he went hastily to answer.

"Where is the emergency?" Julian asked, holding his med kit in one hand. The young man was dressed in casual trousers and a top of midnight blue that brazenly revealed his clavicle.

Garak stealed himself and hurried Julian inside, "Doctor I am grateful you came so quickly. Something quite out of character has happened!"

"Wait, this isn't a medical emergency?" Julian said, frowning.

"My dear doctor it is much more sinister than that!" At Julian's silence, Garak continued, "I have committed a crime!"

Julian heaved a breath, lifted his medkit and turned to the door, "Good night, Mr. Garak."

"No, no, doctor you do not understand! This was entirely uncharacteristic of me. And, despite what you'd like to believe, you have no reason to paint me a criminal." Garak said and stepped in front of Julian so he could not leave.

Julian gave him a look, and seemed a bit more willing to listen, "Go on."

Garak ushered Julian to take a seat beside him at the table. He poured them each a glass of kanar; "It began as quite an average day. Around mid morning I had a Tellarite come in to be fit for a suit..."

 

**

The Tellarite stood on a stool as Garak hemmed the fitted orange Tholian silk trousers at his cloven feet. The man was perfectly polite and tolerable as far as Tellarites go. They had been working on this project all week between engagements and Garak looked forward to their chats. Captain Runn bim Craversh was a man of strange character and priorities. Currently he was running a small arms business off of his vessel with only two others in his crew. The Captain said he'd been at this honorable and legal trade since the Andorian war. He'd been one of Garak's customers for some years now.

"Lately," Captain Runn was saying in his slow, heavy standard, "I have been having these uncontrolable urges to take things."

"Such as?" Garak asked idly.

"All sorts of things. A data rod from a vendor, a pair of boots from my crewmen. It is very unlike me, Mr. Garak. All my friends and family say to me: 'Runn, you're like a pair of shoes. Old and reliable,' they say. Stealing is very exciting. It makes me feel...'

"Unpredictable?" Garak offered.

"Very much so." Captain Runn said, "I tell you just this morning I pocketed a cup from the replimat! Not very important, no. But unlike me. Uncharacteristic."

While Garak found these thefts lacking vision and almost childish compared to the ventures of their resident Ferengi, he did concede it was unlike the Captain. He wondered about how living so routinely had impacted tue Captain and found himself paralleling his own routine with that off Runn's. He shook his head to dispell it; theft was a game for children. He had no need to indulge.

Later, Garak was closing his shop temporarily then went to lunch with Julian. Just as they did every three days. He ordered the same meal and they discussed War and Peace, a lowly Earth novel that had almost been interesting if it hadn't been so emotional.

 

**

"Yes, I remember this. It happened  _today_. Then what?" Julian interrupted impatiently.

"You recall how afterwards I said I'd be going to Quarks to have a word with him? Despite several strongly worded reminders and hints the man still has yet to remove his crates of yamok sauce from my storage space?" Garak asked.

Julian's eyes widened, "So in a fit of rage you stormed into the bar and had it out with him?"

"No. I-"

"You went to the storage space and unloaded his merchandise through an airlock?"

"Doctor! The notion is barbaric! I told him quite plainly that if it was not removed soon I'd be forced to report his recent dalliance to Constable Odo." Garak replied smartly.

Julian sighed, "Then what happened?"

Garak continued, "Well, the morning aside I returned to my quarters and was approached by Major Kira..."

 

**

"Garak," she said, her belly round with Miles' and Keiko's child, "You're just the man I was looking for."

"Oh?" Garak asked pleasently. Pregnancy had made her less aggressive recently and she seemed willing to be polite. As their quarters were near on another she sometimes came by to ask for help when she didn't wish to bother Miles or Keiko.

"I heard footsteps in the hall and knew it was you. If there's anything I can count on these days it's your routine." She said.

Garak offered her a tight smile, "I'm very glad. It was lovely seeing you, Major."

"You know, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. One of the transponders in my quarters is acting up, the lighting won't adjust by voice command. Do you think you could take a look at it?" She asked.

"Couldn't you ask Chief O'Brien? He is certainly in your debt." Garak asked, but at her frown and worried lip he knew it would not be possible, so he put on a grin and smiled, "Certainly Major. Let me put my things away and I shall be right over."

"Great," she said, "I'll make some tea and replicate us some cookies."

Just as he meant to enter his unit he found he'd forgotten a data rod in his shop. He cursed and hurried back, cutting through Quarks on his way.

"Mr. Garak!" Captain Sisko called as he passed, "Where are you off to? I thought you usually came for a glass of Kanar after closing up."

"Yes, I usually do." Garak said, and he noticed the Captain was seated with Kasidy Yates, and the O'Briens. He frowned, knowing he'd not be able to mention needing to hurry to Kira since the Chief was present.

"Then sit with us and have a drink," Sisko said, "I just got a transmission from Dax from our first weeks on the Station! The photographs are lovely."

"Photographs?" Garak asked.

"Ah, an old Earth way of capturing an image using reflective light and imposing it onto a medium to recreate the pattern of the subject-" Sisko launched into a lecture of the mechanics of photography but as he did so Kasidy showed Garak the subjects themselves. Garak understood now what the Captain was talking about. He was impressed; technology like this hadn't been used on Cardassia in ages; he had only seen these photographic images on display in museums! He held the photographs delicately.

"Look," Kasidy said and laughed, "Benjamin you've got hair."

"Times change," Sisko replied, grinning.

"And here is Miles and Keiko moving into their quarters. Oh! Look how tiny Molly was!" Kasidy gasped.

Keiko grinned and took the photo, "Miles, look. I guess I didn't relaize how much she'd grown."

"Yes," Miles smiled, "The years just seem to fly by."

"Oh my!" Julian said, coming to lean over Miles' shoulder, grinning, "Photographs. I see Dax finally figured out how to develop these."

 

**

"Yes, we all looked at the photographs!" Julian huffed, "I remember it as if it was just four hours ago!"

"Doctor, do be patient! I am coming to my point." Garak scolded him.

"Yes," Julian conceded, "Very slowly."

Garak continued, undaunted.

 

**

"Everyone looks so different," Kasidy said, "Benjamin you look so grim. And, you, Miles, all frazzled and out of control."

"Why, here is one of our resident tailor," Julian showed Garak the image of himself.

"Why, you haven't changed a bit." Kasidy smiled.

"Yes," Keiko agreed, "At times like these it's nice to know one person is consistent. Look! You're even wearing the same jacket."

Garak frowned, "Hardly. I've had it relined."

 

**

"I recall exactly what happened next and I have no idea what you're talking about!" Julian interrupted.

 

**

"Our lives are so complete," Keiko sighed and rested her head on Miles' shoulder.

"Yes, we are lucky." Sisko agreed and gave Kasidy a fond look.

 

**

"That is not what happened!" Garak said, frustrated.

 

**

"OUR lives are so complete," Keiko said as she and Miles turned to look at Garak.

"Yes, WE are lucky." Sisko agreed and turned a scornful look on the Cardassian.

"Yes, well," Garak said and got up, "It's been lovely chatting with you but I really must be going. To. The... Dabo tables. Yes." And the man rushed away from the couples, annoyed by their complacency and smugness.

 

**

Julian gasped, "Don't tell me! In your frustration you paid one of the dabo girls to-"

"Goodness!" Garak placed his hand on his chest, horrified, "Absolutely not! I am telling this story!"

"Very slowly!" Julian argued, "I bet you didn't do anything."

"I am getting there," Garak sipped his Kanar, "Now, you recall I agreed to look at the Major's transponders."

"Ugh!" Julian whined and flopped back in his chair to listen.

 

**

"Ah, there you are. It's right this way," Kira said, smiling as she stepped away from the door for him to step inside.

Garak was directed to a wall of shevles at the back of her quarters that was filled with Bajoran artifacts, padds, ancient books and assorted paraphernalia. He climbed up a ladder at the wall and opened the panel in the ceiling.

They made polite small talk until he closed the panel, "Okay, try adjusting the lights now."

"Computer," the Major said, "Set lights to 55%." Instantly the lights dimmed and she smiled at him, "I can't thank you enough. Lately my eyes have been so sensitive."

"It's perfectly understandable," Garak said, "Quite fortunate you caught me on my way home."

"Oh, I knew it was you. Like I said, if there is one thing I can count on it's your daily routine. Unchanging as the tales of the Prophets." Kira told him, "I'm surprised I can count on a Cardassian of all people."

"Yes." Garak said.

"I didn't realize it was getting so late! My date will be here any minute, let's have that tea." She said.

A sudden sting of rejection lanced through the tailor and he held on tightly to the ladder, "You're dating?" He looked at her belly.

"Well, I like to keep myself active. What are you doing this evening?" She asked.

"I plan on staying in with a good book," he answered.

Her smile widened and she patted his leg, "You're like a pair of old shoes. Come on, let's have that drink."

Garak smiled tightly and that was when it happened.

 

**

"You didn't! You blugeoned her horribly!" Julian leapt to his feet.

"Are you mad?! Who would kill a pregnant woman?! No, Julian!" Garak scolded him, "I suddenly recalled Captain Runn and I took one of the artifacts from her shelf and pocketed it. I stole, doctor. Like some craven theif and I hadn't felt so alive in years! You cannot imagine the rush I felt, sipping her ghastly tea and eating her excellent cookies, all the while fingering the object in my pocket."

Garak took the pocket from his coat and showed Julian.

"Well, it's clear that all of your interactions today made you realize you're in a rut so you stole this object to generate some excitement." Julian said.

"Yes any child can tell me that!" Garak snapped.

"Well then why did you call me?" Julian replied.

"Because I am wracked with guilt! The first Bajoran to trust me in years and this is what I've done? I've never stolen anything in my life- not like this, anyway!" Garak explained.

"...why did you call me?" Julian asked again, eyeing his friend nervously.

"I have to return this before she knows it's missing. I know she's out right now; we just need to get in and return it." Garak said.

"We?" Julian repeated, "I don't want to. My life is very exciting."

"Please! I cannot trust myself. Who knows what I may steal next." The tailor argued.

Julian stood and held his hands up defensively, "You took a little trinket, Garak. I hardly think you're about to run off on a crime spree."

"Oh?" Garak held up Julian's comm badge.

Julian gasped and snatched it back, "Theif!"

"Exactly. Now you need to help me!" Garak said, his tone not quite begging but desperate.

"I don't want involved." Julian said.

Garak sighed, "Fine." He extended the stolen object to Julian, "Wait, here hold this for me."

Julian took it, "What for?"

"Now your prints are on it too!" Garak snapped, and took it back quickly, "You have to help me!"

Garak ran to the door and Julian cursed and stamped his foot but then followed his friend out into the corridor.

 

**

Julian used his clearances to override the lock and they entered. Garak crept through the darkness and used only the light from the window to illuminate their path to the shelves. Just then, they heard Captain Sisko's voice override the security lock and the door opened. They had only seconds to slip behind decorative curtains that covered the wall very near the shelves.

"Hurry up!" Sisko whispered, "Everyone hide."

"Yes the deputy just sent me a transmission that they are on their way back now." Odo said.

Colorful boxes were set on the coffee table and several bodies milled about then ducked down behind some furniture. Julian and Garak realized this was their chance.

Seconds later the door opened and Kira ordered the lights to 53% and everyone leapt out from behind the furniture and shouted "Surprise!" This included Garak and Julian.

Kira gasped and began laughing, "What is all this?"

"A traditional Earth custom: a baby shower." Kasidy said.

"Doctor!" Odo said as he noticed Julian and Garak, "What are you two doing here? I was under the impression you were working."

Julian laughed nervously. He'd forgotten the invitation extended to him by Dax and Odo just yesterday morning. "Ah, well, I thought about it and decided to pop in anyway. And, uh, brought Mr. Garak with me."

"Yes," Garak agreed, lying much more smoothly, "Cardassians love children and any opportunity to celebrate them. Major!" He approached Kira and took her hands, "This is an honor."

"Oh don't thank me," she said, "I didn't even know!"

Odo still regarded Garak and Julian curiously, "But how did you get in here?"

"Odo, please," Kira said, "Don't worry about it. The point is they're here."

"As is a cake!" Keiko said, "Courtesy of our Captain."

"I didn't know you could bake!" Kira said.

"I'm a man of many talents." Sisko replied, grinning.

As the party went on, Julian and Garak stepped back and spoke in hushed tones.

"How will we return it with so many people around?" Julian asked.

Garak agreed it would be difficult. There were twenty guests in the small space including Worf, Jadzia, Keiko, Miles and many Bajorans from the station.

"You know," Jadzia said, "I'd really love to get a picture of you with your honor award." She held up the old Earth camera.

"Honor award?" Julian asked.

"Yes," one of the Bajoran women in attendance said, "Major Kira recieved it from her resistance at the end of the occupation."

"It's just a small green statue," Kira said, "Something picked up off the ground, that's all."

Garak and Juliam exchanged horrified looks. The stolen trinket was green and somewhat humanoid in form. A glance at the shelves told them nothing else would fit the description of a 'small, green statue.'

"Okay we need a distraction!" Julian whispered, "I'll fall over and pretend to be suddenly ill and while everyone is watching me you can put the award back."

Garak frowned, "That won't work!"

"It will, I'm the doctor so no one else will be able to tell what's wrong unless they've got a tricorder on them." Julian said.

Garak nodded, "That's a fair argument. Very well, then. What will you do?"

Julian bit his bottom lip, "I'm going to fake a reaction to the tea," he said, "Then you rush to my side once the award is back and tell them you're taking me to the infirmary."

Garak could think of several holes in that plan but hopefully he could put the award back quickly enough it wouldn't matter. Julian began by subtly coughing and taking a few sips of the tea. Then his cough got more pronounced and both Odo and Jadzia asked if he was alright. Julian assured them he was fine and just felt 'a little light headed.' He was given a seat and Garak began inching away. As he did so, Julian's coughs got less but his breathing became somewhat faster, as if he couldn't take in a full breath. Garak took the award from his pocket and put it on the shelf.

At the same time Juliam toppled from his chair and Garak rushed to his side. Sisko smacked his communicator, "Transporter, one to emergency beam directly into-"

"No!" Julian gasped.

Garak knelt beside him, "The doctor brought his medical kit to my quarters. I can take him quickly enough."

"Are you sure?" Sisko asked.

"Julian you really ought to go to Sick Bay," Miles said.

Julian shook his head.

Garak lifted the skinny young man easily, "I will inform you right away if we need transported," he said.

Julian nodded then gave a pitiful groan.

The two shuffled to the door and out. They went a little down the hall with the charade just in case anyone decided to follow. Once inside Garak's quarters Julian stood up and straightened his shirt.

Garak looked longingly at the honey dark skin exposed by Julian's neckline. This foolish man just faked a medical illness in front of his superior officers to help Garak hide his weakness. Garak cleared his throat, "How long ought you hide here?"

"The hypospray would work immediately," Julian said, "But I'm going to wait here a few minutes before returning."

"Oh?" Garak asked.

"Yes, I think that will keep their suspicions at bay." Julian said.

They stood in silence a moment, before Garak looked at the young man, "Doctor there is something I must confess."

"Yes?" Julian asked.

Garak frowned, realizing he barely knew what he wanted to say, let alone how to say it. "The conversations I've had today upset me not because they were true, but, because I wish one aspect was different. That is, one aspect of my otherwise boring and predictable exile here."

"And what is that?" Julian was now looking at him. The air between them was warm and Garak knew he could take what he wanted. And, somehow, that seemed a much more unsettling experience than all his difficulties so far today. He knew he couldn't be direct.

"I am looking for something," he said slowly, "To add a bit of excitement to my routine."

A moment of disappointment flashed through Julian's eyes, "Oh." He said, "Well, should you need help finding it you know how to reach me."

"How very thoughtful," Garak smiled at Julian then handed him his medkit, "Thank you for your help, doctor."

Julian took his kit and stepped out of the door. He walked right down the hallway to the party. Garak sighed in his empty, lonely quarters and picked up his favorite Cardassian novel then took a seat. He relaxed and read until he forgot about his problems.


End file.
